


About a Girl

by sunsetmog



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: Always a girl, Coming Out, F/F, First Kiss, Podfic Available, teenage lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-14
Updated: 2010-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/pseuds/sunsetmog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Smith was almost completely sure that she was a lesbian. The only thing holding her back from being one hundred percent sure was the lack of empirical evidence to back up what she'd cautiously labeled in her head as fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	About a Girl

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rawiyaparand](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=rawiyaparand).



> Written for rawiyaparand for help-haiti@livejournal. Hope this is what you wanted!
> 
> Thanks to ashlein and reni-days for the cheerleading and hand-holding, and thanks to harriet-vane for the lightning quick beta.
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/48868.html) on 14th February 2010.
> 
> Podfic available [here](http://amplificathon.livejournal.com/981059.html).

Spencer Smith was almost completely sure that she was a lesbian. The only thing holding her back from being one hundred percent sure was the lack of empirical evidence to back up what she'd cautiously labeled in her head as fact.

"I like girls," she said, softly, kicking the bottom of her bunk with the heel of her sneaker. "Girls, girls, girls. I want to kiss _girls_."

She was grudgingly aware that eighteen was kind of late to figure shit out like who exactly she wanted to kiss, especially since Ryan had been making out with girls since he was like, thirteen. Twelve, probably, since there were all those times he disappeared with Melissa Jacobs after school on supposed math study sessions, except that neither Melissa nor Ryan were any good at math. Spencer hated Melissa Jacobs. And Ryan. And everyone else who got to make out with who they wanted to make out with and not waste years of their lives not knowing exactly whose shirt you wanted to take off and why.

Down at the front of the bus, she could hear Ryan's raised monotone and Brent's deep voice, bickering over the TV channel, and Brendon dipping in every now, a little higher than the others.

Spencer sighed, and kicked her heel grumpily against the wall. That morning, Brendon had sloshed half the milk out of her cereal bowl across the table and into Spencer's lap as the bus went around a corner. She'd laughed and passed one of Spencer's last remaining clean t-shirts across the table for Spencer to mop herself up with. Then Brendon had said, _"It's a good thing there aren't any real girls in our band, Spence, or else we'd be totally freaking screwed."_

Brendon said stupid things like 'freaking'. She said a _lot_ of stupid stuff, and half of the time Spencer ignored it, but sometimes she just couldn't. Brendon seemed to think real girls wore tiny, skimpy dresses and spiky high heels, and that mostly made Spencer want to jump up and down in front of her and yell, "I'm a real girl, you fucking dumbass. We both are! We don't have to wear _high heels_ to count, you jerk." She'd contented herself with glaring daggers at Brendon over the top of her coffee cup and spooning in yet another heaped spoonful of sweetener to take the edge off her caffeine. Trying to break down Brendon's deeply ridiculous embedded ideas about being a girl was best done after a cup of coffee, and not before.

It was stupid, because Brendon hated wearing heels, and she always had. She wore Converse and skinny jeans and silly shirts and too-thin hoodies because she pretended she never felt the cold. On stage Brendon dressed up like a ringmaster, which Ryan maintained subverted _something_ , although Spencer couldn't exactly figure out _what_.

Spencer might have been Ryan's best friend for the best part of forever, but that just meant she was even more sure that Ryan wasn't as smart as he thought he was.

On stage, Brendon dressed up as a ringmaster and Spencer sat behind her kit and got away without dressing up as anyone. But apparently Spencer didn't dress like Brendon's idea of a real girl either, because the only time she'd worn heels had been her cousin's wedding last summer. Spencer wore her super-awesome sneakers all the time, and the same pair of jeans day after day. She wished Brendon noticed her more.

Some days she wasn't even sure Brendon knew there was another girl in the band. First, Spencer had been the chubby one, dressed in oversized Blink-182 shirts and baggy combat trousers. Now she was thinner, but she was still all _hips_ , no matter how many times she skipped fries and didn't spoon sugar into her coffee. Her mom kept telling her that she wouldn't be complaining about her hips when it came to childbearing, but Spencer didn't want to be good at having _kids_ , she wanted to be the same shape as Brendon. She was thinner than she'd ever been in her whole entire life and _still_ Brendon didn't think of her as a _real_ girl. Spencer probably spent too long trying to get Brendon's attention.

Sure, Spencer had bigger breasts than Brendon, but Spencer thought she'd give up the breasts in a _heartbeat_ if it meant she could be tiny and diminutive like Brendon was. All the boys went after Brendon – not that Brendon exactly took them up on it, or anything. It wasn't even that Spencer _wanted_ them to switch their attention to her, since Spencer was almost completely one hundred percent sure that the only people she wanted to kiss were _girls_. Spencer knew that there were some kids out there who wanted to kiss her rather than Brendon. Or kiss her and Brendon as well, whatever, the point was that Spencer wanted to kiss girls, and she couldn't exactly see a line forming to be Spencer's first.

Spencer spent a lot of time thinking about putting her hand up another girl's shirt. She figured she'd like that, kind of a lot.

She also knew that she had to actually _tell_ people about this whole thing at some point. Like Ryan. Ryan would probably love it, since Ryan pretended to be really fucking pretentious at times when Spencer secretly knew that Ryan just loved girls. Ryan would probably love hanging out with Spencer and talking about girls. Maybe he could give Spencer some dating tips, except, well. No. Spencer knew all about Ryan and girls, and frankly, she didn't want any of _that_ in her life.

Anyway, he probably already knew. Spencer hoped he did, since she really didn't want to sit down and tell anyone. Spencer was kind of sure that Brent already knew, at least, since that time Brent caught Spencer trying to sneak Brent's Lesbian Orgy Inferno DVD back into the bag at the foot of Brent's bunk that time. Fuck, what did it matter who Spencer thought about when she put her hand down her underwear anyway? So Brent knew and Ryan would probably like it – if Spencer could only figure out a way to tell him - and that just left Brendon.

Brendon was the last person that Spencer wanted to tell, because Spencer kind of maybe had a stupid, ridiculous crush on her. Spencer was lame and cliched, she knew. It was just, well. Brendon was an idiot, and half of the time she still needed fucking educating about the most basic of stuff. Spencer was still amazed that Brendon could be so smart about some things and so totally fucking dumb about other stuff. Spencer half-believed that she was going to have to explain what _lesbian_ meant when she did finally come out. Whatever.

Spencer was totally fucking sick of hiding, anyway.

~*~

It wasn't going to be the best party ever, but Spencer didn't care. She swapped out her sneakers for horrible, super-pointy high heeled shoes, and not even the fact that they were purple made up for how much they were rubbing her feet already, and they hadn't even left yet. Her skirt was too short and her knees were all weird and knobbly; she stood in front of the mirror and wobbled a little and figured she looked a lot like a baby elephant. Her hair was full of goop and parts of it spiked up while other bits swooshed down across her face and got in her eyes.

She didn't even know why she was doing this. She _knew_ , somewhere deep inside, that dressing up like Brendon's idea of what a real girl looked like was doing her no favors at all. She should be trying to change Brendon's ideas, not pander to them, especially when it was all so _stupid_. Brendon was straight, and Brendon didn't have a crush on Spencer like Spencer had on Brendon, and Spencer was just going to get _hurt_.

Still. She was all dressed up now, and there _had_ to be a girl at this party who wanted to kiss Spencer. Whether or not Brendon thought she was hot or not shouldn't matter at all.

Whatever. It still mattered.

She waited right until the last moment before heading outside to meet Ryan and Brent. There was a collective intake of breath when she came out, which Spencer took as a distinct positive, especially when Ryan said, "Fuck, Spencer." Then he followed it up with, "You've got _tits_ ," which Spencer took in the spirit in which it was intended. She smiled, and said, "Why, Ryan, thank you," and then she smacked him around the head with her purse.

"Fuck," Ryan said, narrowing his eyes.

"Don't fucking objectify me, you dick," Spencer said. "And stop staring at my-- chest."

Brent snorted. Spencer bumped him with her elbow, and Brent grinned, sneaking his arm around her shoulders. Spencer let him, because Brent had a girlfriend that he spent many, many hours on the phone to, but he also knew that Spencer would rather kiss _her_ than Brent.

"Looking good, Smith," he said, and Spencer rolled her eyes.

"Kiss my ass," she said, and Brent laughed.

The party was loud, and bright, and a little frightening. Spencer cocked her hips and narrowed her eyes, determined not to let her fear show. The alcohol was flowing freely, and the music beat a loud bass somewhere beneath her skin. She eyed the room carefully, sizing up the best place to start. There had to be a girl here who wanted to kiss her, she just had to _find her_.

She looked across the room, and Brendon was just _there_ , talking away to someone Spencer barely recognized, some guy from the tour who Spencer had been introduced to, she was sure, but nothing more. The jealousy hit her hard in the chest, taking her breath away. She swallowed, and looked away. Over by the wall, a girl was looking across at her, or maybe she was looking at someone else, or maybe she was just trying to place Spencer, or _whatever_. It didn't matter. Spencer made her way over.

The music was too loud for Spencer to hear what the girl was saying to her, and she had to lean really close in just so she could hear her name – _Maddy_ , Spencer thought – but she was _definitely_ checking Spencer out. Sure, Maddy was kind of tall when Brendon was short, and she had definite breasts where Brendon had to pad it out a little, but she had really nice hair, and her mouth was kind of – well. Spencer figured she couldn't do better for her first kiss, so. They were just getting close when Brendon popped up by Spencer's elbow, barging in between them and handing Spencer a drink.

"It's soda," Brendon said, and held her hand out. "I'm Brendon." She hooked her hand into the crook of Spencer's elbow, and beamed. "You look awesome," she said, leaning in to shout in Spencer's ear. "Totally like a girl."

Maddy looked from Spencer, to Brendon, and back to Spencer again.

Spencer fought the irrational surge of anger. "Screw you," she said, pushing Brendon away. "I'm always a fucking girl, you just never fucking notice." She curled her hand around Brendon's elbow, and nudged her back towards the dance floor. "Now, I'm _busy_ , and you're cockblocking, so if you don't mind -"

Brendon's eyes widened, and Spencer felt hot inside, right down into her stomach.

"You're –" Brendon managed.

"Busy," Spencer finished, and she turned around, back to where Maddy was watching with barely concealed disinterest. "Sorry," she said, but Maddy just nodded and took a sip of Spencer's drink, wincing at the lack of alcohol.

Spencer could feel Brendon's eyes on her the whole time she was talking to Maddy, and she could feel them follow her out onto the dance floor. Spencer felt hot, and kind of dizzy. She felt bad for snapping at Brendon since it wasn't Brendon's fault that Spencer had a secret crush on her, and it wasn't Brendon's fault that she didn't know Spencer was gay. She didn't much want to kiss anyone now, but when Maddy took her hand and led her off the dance floor and out into the hallway by the bathrooms, Spencer didn't say no when Maddy pressed her back into an alcove and touched her mouth to Spencer's.

Spencer kissed back and it felt – it felt right that Maddy was a _girl_ , but none of the rest of it felt right at all. She wasn't Brendon, and even though Spencer couldn't have her, that didn't matter to Spencer's heart. She pulled away, in the end, and made a stupid excuse about having to get back to Ryan and Brent.

Maddy wrote her number down on the back of a scrap of paper she pulled from her purse.

When Spencer looked, later, it was the back of a receipt for deodorant and Tampax. She crumpled it up and dropped it on the floor somewhere over by the bar.

~*~

"Well," Ryan said, finally, when it became ridiculously clear that neither Brendon nor Spencer were going to talk, and their hot chocolates were almost cold. "It's been fun, and all, but I'm going to bed."

"Ryan -" Spencer said, because Ryan was her _best friend_ , and was therefore supposed to stick around to diffuse difficult situations. She could hear Brent snoring down the hallway, already passed out in his bunk.

"G'night, kids," Ryan said, poking Spencer softly in the arm as he passed.

When Spencer looked up, Ryan nodded; Spencer knew that that meant they were going to have to talk. Ryan was unobservant and self-obsessed, and that was why Spencer loved him, but sometimes even he couldn't miss his best friend disappearing off the dance floor hand in hand with a girl, and coming back with all her lip gloss kissed off. Spencer wasn't particularly looking forward to _that_ conversation.

Brendon was hunched over her mug of hot chocolate, eyes trained on the table top.

Spencer didn't know how to feel. She had kind of come out to Brendon and then Brendon had started being _weird_ ; Spencer knew that Brendon was kind of weird to begin with, but whatever. She felt kind of mad, too, because the only thing she'd done had been to like _girls_ , and it wasn't her fault that Brendon was too repressed to be okay with that.

Spencer was wound tight, and all she wanted to do was be left alone. She'd made out with a girl. A hot girl at that, and okay, so she hadn't been Brendon, but that was okay too. All she had to do now was get over her stupid crush and she could have a totally functioning relationship. Okay, not with Maddy, but with someone. She was pissed that Brendon was being weird all over her post-kiss high; she was having the tail end of a sexual epiphany and Brendon was being _stupid_. She wanted to snap at her, tell her to leave her alone again.

She drummed her fingers against the table edge instead, hoping Brendon would get the message and just go away.

She didn't. She stayed where she was, and wherever Spencer looked she couldn't get away from Brendon, hovering somewhere at the peripheries of her vision. Irritation thrummed beneath her skin, because Brendon was clearly building up to asking Spencer something, and whatever it was, Spencer knew it wasn't going to be good.

"So," Brendon said finally, after she had skirted around her question for a good few minutes. "Before, when you said -"

Spencer waited, but Brendon just fiddled with her mug.

"The whole, uh. Cockblocking thing. Did that mean –"

"I'm a lesbian," Spencer said, shortly. She can't help but wonder if this was how it was going to be forever, if for the rest of her life she was going to have to keep coming out, over and over again. She wondered if that was always going to come with a side order of fear and confusion, like now.

Brendon watched her, and then said, "Cool," too brightly for it to be true.

Spencer didn't say anything. She rolled the remains of her microwaved hot chocolate around the bottom of her mug and wished she was at home for her mom to make her the good stuff.

"Like," Brendon went on. "Are you sure?"

Spencer blinked. "About liking girls?" She thought, _gay_. Not bisexual or a little bit straight or a whole lot bisexual, just gay. _Lesbian lesbian lesbian_. She wanted to roll the word around in her mouth until she got used to the sound of it on her tongue. It was satisfying, the thrill of pleasure that came with finally knowing with certainty which label fitted her, but it was a double-edged blade because with the pleasure came Brendon being weird. She was being weird because of who Spencer wanted to go to bed with, and that was shitty. "Yes," Spencer said, finally. "Totally sure."

"We could fix you up," Brendon said, a little desperately. "Find some nice guy, just to make sure."

"I'm sure," Spencer said, fiercely. "And you sound like your mom."

"Sorry," Brendon said. She didn't sound sorry. "I don't know if I've ever met anyone gay before."

 _Awesome_ , Spencer thought angrily. She didn't want to be anyone's learning experience.

Brendon fiddled with her spoon. "I meant," she said after a minute. "Like, how did you know?"

"Same way you know you're straight," Spencer said, bitchily. It was like twisting the knife in her own gut. "You want to kiss boys."

"But you've never thought about kissing a boy?"

Spencer shrugged. "I've thought about it, but I still don't want to do it." She waited, trying not to get mad. This had to be weird for Brendon, and it wasn't Brendon's fault she'd led a strange, sheltered upbringing where everyone was heterosexual. Brendon was still a fucked up Mormon a lot of the time, even though she'd tried really hard to leave that part of her behind.

"But, like," Brendon persisted. Spencer wasn't sure she had much patience left. She wanted to go somewhere and think about making out with a girl, she didn't want to fuck things up with Brendon and be reminded just how faint her hopes were of getting things together with her. Straight, hopeless Brendon. "How can you be sure it's not just a phase, and you don't really want to be with boys?"

"It's not a fucking phase," Spencer snapped, exasperated. "I don't like guys, I like girls." _I like you_ , she thought, and it hurt. "Could you stop being so fucking judgmental? I'm not killing puppies or anything. I just like tits and asses, okay, and I don't like dick. I like _pussy_."

Brendon's eyes widened. "I didn't," she said. "I never meant -"

"Whatever," Spencer said, and part of the reason she was pissed was because she was going to have to have this conversation over and over again in her life, and she was pretty sure she never wanted to have to have it again. Ever. "I'm going to bed," she said, fiercely, because all of a sudden she kind of wanted to cry, she was so angry and mixed up and sad. She wished there was a door between the lounge and the bunks, because she needed something to slam. She settled for chucking her shoes down the hallway instead.

It occurred to her a while later, while she was determinedly not sleeping and staring at the roof of her bunk as the road rolled away beneath her, that Brent had stopped snoring and Ryan hadn't so much as rolled over in ages. Well, she told herself, at least that was a conversation she didn't need to have with either of them.

~*~

Brendon was still weird the whole of the next day. She followed Spencer around with her eyes, and it wasn't that she wasn't talking to Spencer or anything, but she was definitely still behaving oddly.

Spencer was snappy and stand-offish, because none of this was her fault. She just... didn't like dick, that was all, and she didn't get why that meant people got to be assholes. Why _Brendon_ got to be an asshole. "Fucking _Mormons_ ," she said, under her breath, banging around in the kitchenette.

Brendon didn't get any less weird, either, which drove Spencer nuts. She kept asking Spencer how she could be sure, and eventually Spencer snapped.

"Because I jerk off thinking about fucking _girls_ , Brendon," she said, and she'd never exactly figured out whether _jerk off_ was a term she could use, but whatever. She was appropriating it for women everywhere. It didn't matter much, anyway, because Brendon recoiled like she'd been stung, and okay, this was really shitty because she'd never taken Brendon for any sort of judgmental jackass. "It's not a fucking _disease_ ," she snapped. "You're not going to get fucking lesbian cooties just from being near me. Fuck, Brendon."

She fucking hated being in a fight with Brendon. The atmosphere was weird and strained and Brendon spent most of the rest of the day hiding out in the bunks with the curtains drawn.

Ryan came and sat down by Spencer. "You should talk to her," he said, rolling his eyes. "Try and figure shit out."

"It is not my fault she's being a shithead," Spencer said, staring fiercely at the page of her magazine. "I am not responsible for her being a shitty human being. I am a lesbian, not a fucking therapist for her issues."

Ryan sighed. "You're not responsible for my issues, either, but you don't leave me by myself."

Spencer groaned. "I hate you."

"You do not," Ryan said. "Look, I get it, okay? Just. I don't know. She's not usually this weird, right?"

Spencer looked down at her page a while longer, and tried not to blink. Her mom always told her she should try and be nice. It was hard, especially since Brendon was being weird over something that Spencer had no control over. "After we've stopped," she said, finally. "I'll talk to her then."

Ryan watched her. "Okay," he said, and he leaned over and flicked through Spencer's magazine until he got to the parts he wanted to read.

Spencer sighed, and let him.

When Brendon finally emerged, she was wearing a denim mini-skirt and her scruffy green converse. She had a determined look on her face, and when Spencer tried not to look interested, she came over and sat down beside her, hiding her hands beneath her thighs. Spencer wondered if she'd been crying; her eyes were a little red.

She said, "What if I want lesbian cooties?"

Which... what. _What_. "What?" Spencer said, carefully, because she wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"It's just," Brendon said, "it's just. I wasn't asking you all that stuff because I was being judgmental. I was trying to figure shit out in my head, because I think about girls a lot. Like, kissing them and holding their hands, and you know. Them with their shirts off. A lot. All the time. And I kept thinking it was just a phase because I'm a total idiot, I know, and it isn't like I don't know that people are lesbians or bisexual or whatever, but I never thought _I_ could be. You know?"

"Uh-huh," Spencer managed, because it sounded a lot like Brendon was in the middle of some giant life-changing declaration here, but all she could think about was Brendon kissing girls, about Brendon naked with another girl, and that was kind of fucking with her head.

"So," Brendon said, lamely. "I've been thinking about this a lot, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't a phase, either. I want to kiss girls too."

"Uh," Spencer said. "Like, only girls? Or guys sometimes, too?"

Brendon looked thoughtful. "It's not like kissing guys is bad," she said, "but I tested it out." She blushed, and Spencer thought, _what the shit_. Brendon cleared her throat. "Like you said, you know. I touched myself and thought about dicks and that didn't work, but if I thought about girls that was pretty cool and I totally came."

Spencer was pretty sure she was dying inside. This was that felt like, she was sure. "Seriously?" she managed, finally. "You did the masturbation test and now you figured you're a lesbian? For real? That's what you did?"

Brendon's chin tipped up, just a little. "Yes," she said. "Don't be so fucking superior, just because you figured it out first."

"Sorry," Spencer said, because seriously, coming out stank. It still felt a little out of left field, though, even so.

"Yeah," Brendon said, awkwardly.

"You're sure about this?" Spencer asked, without thinking.

Brendon rolled her eyes. "You know, I get why you look like you're going to punch someone every time someone asks you that."

Spencer had the grace to look embarrassed. "It's just. I never guessed, that's all."

"And I didn't guess about you, so we're all square," Brendon said. She looked fierce and tiny and very, very young all of a sudden, and Spencer wanted to hug her. "What did you want me to do, shout it from the stage or something? Build up to it with hints and stuff so it wasn't so much of a freaking surprise when I told you?"

Spencer sighed. Part of her wanted to say yes, because she hated surprises. But then she remembered how many hours she'd spent trying to figure out the inside of her own head, and how she'd done that by herself and not told anyone, either. "Have you told anyone else?" she asked.

"You're the first," Brendon said, softly.

"Why me?" Spencer asked, trying to ignore the warm glow in her stomach that had come from Brendon choosing her.

Brendon shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know," she said, softly. "Sometimes I think about kissing you, I guess."

Spencer blinked a lot, just to make sure she wasn't dreaming. "What?"

"You heard," Brendon said. "Does that make you feel weird?"

It didn't make Spencer feel weird. It made Spencer feel hot and twisted up and desperate. It made things worse, somehow, because now she wanted something that Brendon had thought about, too. "No," she said, "that's cool."

"Good," Brendon said, levelly, "because I was going to ask you if you'd kiss me. You know."

All sorts of things seemed to be going on in Spencer's head, and none of them made sense. "What," she managed. It wasn't even a question, just a flat statement.

"You don't mind, right?" Brendon said. She was talking quickly, her hands in her lap.

Spencer _did_ mind. She'd had a crush on Brendon for _so long_ , and the very last thing she wanted to be was anyone's fucking learning experience. She said as much, without the part about the crush, and watched as Brendon's eyes widened.

"No!" Brendon said, loudly. "I just. I wanted it to be you. I don't want you to be my learning experience. I don't know. I thought it might be nice, that's all, for you to be my first girl kiss."

Spencer knew that Brendon had some very old-fashioned ideas about dating, and that secretly she yearned for a relationship out of a Fred Astaire movie, complete with singing. Spencer wasn't exactly sure that she could do either the singing or the dancing, and she certainly couldn't carry off a dress like Ginger Rogers could. "You're so weird," she said. "No one asks for kisses like this. It's not how it works."

Brendon looked annoyed. "Shut up," she said. "If you don't want to do it, then _fine_ , but don't tell me I'm being an idiot. You're being an asshole."

"I'm not being an asshole." She was, she knew she was, but she was also freaked out and nervous and scared, too. And Brendon _was_ weird. "Okay," she said, finally. If she was only going to get one kiss in her life from Brendon then it had better be here, and now. "Let's do this."

"Really?" Brendon looked relieved. "I thought I might have to get down and beg, or something."

Spencer rolled her eyes. This was so stupid. She was doing herself no favors, letting Brendon get around her like this. Her heart was kind of fragile, and at the moment it belonged entirely to Brendon, and if Spencer did this then she wasn't sure she was going to get it back in one piece. But Brendon was offering herself to Spencer, and Spencer wasn't going to turn that down. She couldn't. "No," she said. "I'll do it. Just," she took a deep breath. "Don't turn around afterwards and say you prefer guys."

Brendon shook her head. "I won't," she said, softly. She licked her lips, her eyes darting down to Spencer's mouth.

Spencer's heart was beating loud and heavy in her chest. She leaned over and touched at Brendon's shoulder with her palm; this was just a kiss, and she didn't know why it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room all of a sudden. Then she was leaning in, and Brendon was too, and then Brendon's mouth was touching hers, soft and earnest and sweet.

It was too easy to kiss back, too easy for Spencer's mouth to fall open beneath Brendon's, for her tongue to slide along Brendon's, for her hand to come up and cup Brendon's cheek. Brendon wasn't the best kisser in the world, and objectively Spencer knew that Maddy was probably technically _better_ , but she also wasn't Brendon, and Spencer wasn't so much in love with Maddy her head hurt, so Brendon came out better overall.

The thing was, they didn't stop. Spencer didn't know how to pull away and she didn't even want to. Her pulse was racing and she was pressing closer, and then Brendon was laughing against her mouth and clambering into Spencer's lap, and they were _so close_ , and still not pulling away from each other. This wasn't just kissing, it was making out, and Spencer never wanted it to end. Her fingers curled in Brendon's hair, pulling her closer, and Brendon whined against her mouth and kissed her again and again and again.

"Brendon," Spencer said, breathlessly. She hated herself for stopping, because this was likely going to be her only chance to make out with Brendon, but if she didn't stop soon she wasn't sure she was going to be able to. "Brendon, stop."

Brendon pulled away. She looked a little dazed and her hair was mussed, her lips red and wet. She looked kind of amazing, and Spencer couldn't help it, she closed the distance between them and kissed her again, nipping at Brendon's bottom lip with her teeth.

"I thought you wanted to stop," Brendon said, in between kisses.

"We should," Spencer said, but Brendon was licking at Spencer's mouth, which should have been awful, but it wasn't. It was just... kind of incredible, and sexy, all at the same time.

"Don't want to," Brendon said. "Been wanting this forever."

Spencer froze. "What?" she managed, pulling back.

Brendon ducked her head. She shrugged her shoulders. "Before," she said, awkwardly. "When I said I thought about kissing girls a lot, uh. Maybe I should have said I thought about kissing _you_ a lot."

Spencer swallowed. "And you took this long to figure out you were a lesbian?"

"I figured we were just close a lot of the time, and everyone thought about kissing each other like that," Brendon told her, her face red.

Spencer blinked. "Uh," she said, her pulse racing. "No. No, Brendon, that's not how it works."

"Yeah, I get that _now_ ," Brendon said. She smoothed her hair behind her ear, and without thinking, Spencer reached out and touched Brendon's ear, softly smoothing Brendon's hair with her fingertips. They didn't say anything for a while, and Brendon leaned her head against Spencer's shoulder.

"I don't suppose," Brendon said, haltingly, after a few minutes. "I don't suppose you ever thought about maybe kissing me, did you? I get that you probably didn't, but, if you did -"

"I did, maybe," Spencer said. She didn't want to commit herself. "I mean, you're pretty and all. When you're not being weird."

"Hmm," Brendon said. "And you're pretty too. We could be, I don't know, pretty together or something."

Spencer couldn't actually hear properly over the rushing in her ears. "You mean," she said, and didn't finish.

"We could make out some more," Brendon said, quickly, and Spencer thought about their band, and Ryan and Brent, who were being ridiculously, ridiculously quiet in their bunks, which probably meant they were listening to every word. Brendon was smiling at her a little nervously, and Spencer could still taste her on her tongue. She wanted more.

"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, we could do that."

"Awesome," Brendon said, and she ducked her head and pressed a kiss to the corner of Spencer's mouth. "That would be cool."

And it was like, okay. Spencer knew that they were both still a little mixed up and that things were going to be weird for a while yet, but she couldn't stifle the little leap her heart made whenever Brendon smiled at her.

Brendon curled into her side. "Alright?" she asked.

"Yeah," Spencer said. "Or, I'm going to be."

"Good," Brendon said, softly. "Me too.

END.


End file.
